Monday, July 12, 2010

Octopodes, Selling and having virtual sex

Tube sex

Tube sex © fintag

News comments:
I spend a lot of time trying to convince people their money is safe, the returns will be stellar in the future, the previous losses were out of my control and the volatility will continue to be lower than a Madoff fund or a faulty cVar calculation.

On the qualitative side I also have to convince my investors that our quants are Monkeys and Octopodes with amazing skills in stock picking.

Actually this is lie, for these days I hire third party marketers, in-house sales people and others who eat what they kill to sell my fintag funds. I am officially bored of flying and hotels and entertaining in foreign lands and have delegated it to others to catch STDs, age prematurely and die of liver cancer.

The dilemma I face in paying these people out of my management fees, is ensuring there is enough left to keep the other hungry mouths fed. Of course performance fees are so pre Lehman, I reckon I would earn more and be happier busking on the tube.

I applied to TFL for a busking bay. They didn't bother to reply. So I applied again with a 100 quid bung disguised as sponsorship but heard nothing. Boris Johnson is no Mike Bloomberg and the next time I see him, I shall run him over on his bicycle and cut off his hair. I mean why should I be deprived of entertaining the masses? I am a mean fiddler and have the voice of Fergie but it seems regulation and censorship are keeping me away from Green Park.

Kicks in style:
When I play "making virtual love on the tube", you know the game where your eyes meet with a complete stranger, the sweat drips down the face, you gasp for air as your body presses closer to that unbelievably gorgeous woman / man (the type you never seen in night clubs), as the onlookers jostle for position ("can you please move down, can you please move down") and that comfort space is eroded and bodies start to grind ....I like to leave a little card after the climax (this is when one of us gets off the train) with some witty comment, an email account and a skype number. These old fashioned ways of communicating are the new black given my iPhone is monitored daily by the CIA and every trade I make is sent to the FSA and SEC via every Investment Bank in the City.

Bye bye Facebook, hello edible paper.

Today's shorts:
Real Estate Bubble 2.0 (globalpensions)
Russian Spy Was A Hedgie (telegraph)
Pope Emulates The Average Hedge Fund (bbc)
Japanese Brutally Maul Innocent Man (reuters)
Paulson Hires Octopus To Be CIO (dealbreaker)

Today's longs:
Insider Trading Better Than Two Stops On The Central Line With Fintag (nymag)
Chocolate Better Than Two Stops On The Central Line With Fintag (independent)
Reading A Book Better Than Two Stops On The Central Line With Fintag (guardian)

Squid to be banned from trading in Europe.


Anonymous said...

Remember it well!

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