David Schumacher © bbc

Today's shorts:
Very dull hire story (emii)
AXA forget to refresh spreadsheet (globalpensions)
Hedgies not worthy (allaboutalpha)
Michael Schumacher defeats bigot (cityam)
Ever seen a hedgie in a Porsche? (new york times)

Today's longs:
Britain is an anagram of Greece (telegraph)
SEC baffled by jargon in Goldman case (bloomberg)
Moore Stanley fined for using MS Messenger (ftalphaville)
Goldman Staff to carry guns at all times (hitc)
ACA: A story of toxicity (reuters)

News comments:
So Germany is to invade another country in contravention of its constitution post the second world war? What a precedent to set. What next? Japan takes over China? New York merges with California? [Editor: uh?].

Michael Schumacher is German. He is really David Cameron in disguise. Cameron won the light weight economic debate on TV last night. My TV is a Samsung. It is made of oil. Oil is spilling onto the white sands of Florida. Tropicana orange juice is made in Florida except you cannot buy it in the shops there. The shelves of the shops in Greece will soon be bare because of looting. When Athens burns, so to will Rome and all the other PUGKSI nations. F1 cars burn a lot of fuel. Schumacher drives badly in F1. David Cameron drives a Prius. The Prius often never stops. Stopping [Editor: I am stopping this ...]

Gossip:
The underwriters were still filling up the orders for the Oil Rig off the US coast when it exploded ...$1billion and counting ...lots of nervous insurers ...panic at Lloyds of London

25% © fintag

Today's shorts:
Dutch give middle finger to Goldman (global pensions)
AIFM collides with UCITS (hedge week)
Bigots rule Europe (bbc)
US feels smug as Europe burns (anyone for USD?) (reuters)
Wall Street Fights Red Tape: 3rd Time Lucky (msnbc)
Singapore Welcomes Red Tape Haters (bloomberg)
People Who Like Collecting Data To Collect Data (reuters)

Today's longs:
PIGS becomes PUKGSI (telegraph)
Will there be a run on Santander? (bloomberg)
Carbon Trading: Its all smoke and mirrors (dealbreaker)
Bigot Bully Brown Blunder Burns (times)
E&Y to go way of Arthur Andersen (globalpensions)

News comments:
So what do you reckon? 25% drawdown on the Euro versus USD? You see when the Euro started out the rules were tough. It looked like the UK would struggle to join and then the doors opened and any old country could enter. The problem is that Spain is a real estate play, Portugal a gamble on tourism and Greece, well what does Greece produce?

Of course I closed down my Santander bank account yesterday as I don't fancy another Icesave (see my old statement here). Not that one should be gloating over the misfortunes of others but the EU has spent years building up a red tape utopia and just like Rome is failing to see its own demise. A monster has been created.

My favourite demise of the day is our esteemed Prime Minister mishearing a question and apologizing profusely. My other was watching Barca be humiliated by some Italians in the that semi final clash of the most indebted nations in Europe. There does seem to be a correlation of sorts; PUKGSI countries are good at football. Best get my quants to factor that in.

Gossip:
German to launch its own new currency - Euro 2.0

My cigar © fintag

Today's shorts:
Goldman defend their business model (dealbreaker)
Buying old is the new black (fa)
Side pockets to be split at the seams (washington post)
Obama's new Wall Street for Dummies (times)

Today's longs:
Cheap holidays in the sun (telegraph)
Dangerous man to be executed (mail)
We are all doomed Mr Heath(cityam)
When Goldman shit becomes shixxy (telegraph)

News comments:
As predicted Greece is nearing the end of its love affair with the Euro and Italy, Ireland and Portugal are next. Banks can be bailed out but countries can only bail themselves out and like Argentina end up at the back of the class.

Those old CRAs that pumped up the subprime products are now pushing down sovereign countries. As much as we hate the CRAs, we actually love them because they create lots of volatility and uncertainty.

What do I do? Have a puff on my favourite cigars; Cuban of course.
Gossip:
Greece will become first country ever to be taken over without knowing it.

Fly on the wall © fintag

Today's shorts:
The 1970s was crap (newstatesman)
Another hedgie tries to Shoe Horn into a UCITs fund (hedgeweek)
Goldmanenders replaces Eastenders on the BBC (telegraph)

Today's longs:
An article without a beginning, middle or end (bloomberg)
Germany Dithers Again (bloomberg)

News comments:
The Cayman's used to be a sleepy place. Not much happened. The odd hurricane and charity bash, some sun bathers and lots of fish. Post Lehman and all these islands are shitting themselves. Yesterday I was told all my agreements have to be amended to reflect new changes to Cayman laws and regulations. The lawyers are loving it and I am not.

But that is dull. Instead, I wish I was a fly on the SEC's walls. Their case against Goldman is so tenuous that it beggars belief. The current Fab French Fcuk emails are embarrassingly French, and Goldman are treating the spectacle as a circus act. The SEC are stupid but not that stupid so what is the real dirt? If I were a fly I would know.

But that was really dull. What is really exciting is I have only eaten at 14 of the world's top 50 restaurants as reported in the guardian.

So that means I have a lot of traveling to do this year as there are virtually no restaurants noted on the list in London. I mean St John is worth a visit but its like flesh eating in a fridge and the Fat Duck is an experiment way past its best buy date.

Gossip:
Flies cannot talk so there is no gossip today.

Ugly Boots © fintag

Today's shorts:
Hedgies slash fees because they don't like to be taxed (allaboutalpha)
NYT fail to use spellchecker (new york times)
UK maxes out on its credit card and stares into the void (ft)
Greece has last laugh (bloomberg)
Charities give middle finder to big Mike (ap)
AXA buy pirates toxic rum (emii)

Today's longs:
Goldman write benedict-condom emails (telegraph)
Bank of Ireland seeks bailout from shareholders (cityam)

News comments:
Let's face it, the UGG boot is pretty ugly. It cuts women's legs off and makes them look like they have stump like calves. However, they are very popular. They have have been for a number of years and like the holes in brogues or food that only covers 20% of a plate, they are pretty pointless.

Our brains are wired to be like sheep. We follow the hoards, no questions asked. Investing in Madoff to playing with Goldman Sachs at blackjack, we just love feeling safe. Nobody gets sacked for buying an iPhone despite it being more form over function.

Today we are using chatroulette to find friends and writing emails in benedict-goldman proof encryptions.

Gossip:
Bluecrest threatened with huge CGT liability if they go offshore.

Broken Britain © fintag

Double dipping:
According to the Guardian, the UK's "Economy grew half as fast as expected in first quarter".

According to the Times, it reports "Gordon Brown warns of 'double-dip recession' as economy falters".

The facts. The UK enjoyed / suffered a 0.2% growth in the last quarter. That is tiny. Statistically insignificant. A fat tail.

My concern is the media take these numbers as correct, accurate and real. The reality is, as we have seen in Greece is that these are statistics and are estimates only.

The ONS takes data, puts it into a spreadsheet and then assuming there are no formula errors and the data is of good quality, pumps out a headline number.

However, does the ONS adjust for coherence adjustments? Their website says:

"In practice the data sources used in the accounts are subject to statistical error and complete coherence between measures of economic activity is not achieved without making specific adjustments."

More importantly it also says:

"...coherence adjustments average 0.5 per cent of GDP."

So that means we have either double dipped and the UK is 0.3% in the red or we are on the way to a no-holds barred boom at 0.7%.

Take your pick.

What would Goldman Sachs do?
The obvious and that is buy GBP (telegraph)

Pond Life © fintag

Today's shorts:
It's all Greek to the Greeks (bloomberg)
UK debt is worst ever - but nobody gives a shit (bbc)
Toyota Treated as Toxic (bloomberg)
The Kiss of Death Awards (hedgeweek)
UK Double Dip On Its Way (ons)

Today's longs:
Obama does what Obama does best (msnbc)
Japanese, Sheep and CDOs (hh)
Bacon Slags Me Off (new york times)

News comments:
Pond Life. I come across a lot of people who in previous incarnations would have lived in ponds. Many work for regulators and lawyers and other business prevention types and whose mantra is "risk is bad, red tape is good". Risk is no longer tolerated and has been replaced with dullness and mediocrity.

I made the mistake yesterday of trying to grapple with the FSA's website. Paying my compliance people $3000 a day, I decided to see why they charge so much. I know why. You need the brain of a pond slug to navigate the thousands of pages of words that never seem to be laws but guidance, and principals and rules. So yes, they deserve every cent.

The talking heads of those other Pond People (Cleggy, Camewrong and Braincells) were fighting it out on UK TV. It was shocking so I watched a re-run of American Idol where more pond life was being judged by rich pond life.

My new office had some work done at the weekend and the Health & Safety man came in and told us off. Why? Because the fire extinguishers were out of date.

I nearly ended it there and then.

Gossip:
Greece will be forced out of the Euro.

St George never killed a dragon (because they don't exist).

Broken Record © fintag

Today's shorts:
Derivatives go the way of the Dodo (new york times)
Marshall Wasters Become Europhiles (hedge fund week)
Re-reading the same article and its just a feeder fund (hedge fund week)
More people on benefits than tax payers (bbc)
Paulson gives the middle finger and says yahboo (finalternatives)
Paulson's shareholder letter (hitc)
Hedgies banned (in fact we all are) from sexist, derogatory and debased clubs where mostly Eastern Europe women make money showing off their [Editor: Stop it] (guardian)
Hedgies give middle finger to High Net Worths (investment international)
IMF is the new world Government (cityam)

Today's longs:
Junior employee caught up in political wrangle at Goldman Sachs (telegraph)
IMF threatens to nuke Greece (bloomberg)
Nice boy Fabrice comes out (telegraph)
Obama talks tough but does nothing as usual (new york times)

News comments:
So the LSE is making it cheaper for Goldman's high frequency trading desk? And why not? The LSE is a disgrace - it is a closed shop, a monopoly and the back door is permanently shut. But we all know this. We also know that the world's governments were duped by super smart bankers and given a second chance to make even more money. We also know that the world is in huge debt denial and it won't be long before inflation and interest rate rises are the norm and all property will be treated as theft.

I saw some hippies sunning themselves in Hyde Park yesterday, strumming their $3000 guitars and doing whatever hippies do. They were at peace with the world and I fancied joining them. However, my 5 day stubble was not a beard and I was rejected from the sing song. Their songs were of protest and blame and wanting something for nothing.

It is a nice dream but the reality is much more exciting. We live in a post modernist USSR world of red tape and the black economy. Capitalism is quick, Bureaucracy is slow. UCITS trumps AIFM; Mis-selling trumps Due Diligence; Goldman trumps stupidity; and so on. But that is dull. Much more interesting is watching the spreads on Greek bonds. Nice.

Gossip:
Marshall Wace is not being investigated by the FSA.

New bathroom © fintag

Today's shorts:
Frenchie is Fried (cityam)
Goldman lovers deny rift (finalternatives)
You can enter but never leave (reuters)

Today's longs:
Canada, Inflation and a rate rise (bloomberg)
Westport Bank (icfa)
IMF asks for taxes (finfacts)
Hedgies: the best in bed (ft)

News comments:
I am sorry to say that none of the 45 people I have hired to put in my new bathroom are from the UK. Although I wanted British Jobs for British Workers, I have failed to fulfill my promises.

Many a structured product has eye watering promises but these too are often broken. Goldman, who are really charitable at heart are being berated for doing their job. As much as all of us on the market hate them to bits because they have tentacles everywhere and just know how to squeeze that little bit more than your second rate investment banks, the people have had enough.

Just like AIG before it went up in smoke, Goldman is on its last legs. Until tomorrow when it shall be all fine again. Let us not forget that the 5000 odd staff who benefited from Obama's bail out and have been given enough bonus to fund a decent holiday will be paying 50% in tax.

Good to see the other Goldman, Wacko Woss's other half is doing a better PR job. Kick-ass is a good film but not one for the kids.

Gossip:

Empty T5 © fintag

Today's shorts:
Icelandic mineral water contaminates the UK (tweetphoto)
Scientists turn Skoda into a Ferrari (all about alpha)
Snails pursue leopard (cityam)

Today's longs:
Goldman asks what would God do? (bloomberg)
AIG wades into Goldman (ft)
The next crash - 2014 (hitc)
Hedgies embroiled in Goldman gunk (time)

News comments:
When you really want something, saying you want it lots of times will make it happen. A bit like wanting an act of God to stop. Every 6 hours I get alerted to the latest airport opening announcement and it never happens. Why not just keep the planes out of the sky for another 6 months? The people of Richmond, Surrey are delighted for they can sleep without the noise of Heathrow and London is less polluted.

No more cattle truck Ryan air and no more 4 mile walks after your 20 hour flight lands at gate 674.

No more dull dinner party talk about THAT holiday to the Maldives.

No more jet lag and trolley action men with poor skin.

No more turbulence and screaming babies in First Class.

Gossip:
Goldman to delist Q3 2010.

Broken Britain © fintag

Today's shorts:
TFG: What is a swap? (bloomberg)
Banks demand opaqueness and bilateral trading (efinancialnews)
Paulson: I am no Madoff (bloomberg)

Today's longs:
Obama: health care, wall street and green policies; wall street next (telegraph)
Goldman gives huge bonus to Fabrice (cityam)
Mediocre Britain Stays Broken (bbc)

News comments:
So will Goldman really pay out for its misdemeanors in the CDO markets? It's been known for years that Goldman make their money from timing differences. They come out with research reports that say go long and they then short like crazy. Goldman hedges its risks and dumps them onto its clients. That is what investment banks do.

I thought they would be "done" for something else but CDOs and a Paulson trade? I don't think they will get too worried.

There are more important worries out there:

Will I die from Icelandic ash inhalation?
Quite likely.

Will the next PM of the UK be a Paul Smith lovin' liberal democrat?
I hope so. My funds are in USD.

Will Germany, as I have predicted in the past, leave the Euro?
I hope so as we all miss the FX fun of last century.

Will Goldman Sachs delist faster than it planned and turn itself into a hedge fund?
Yes. They have been planning this for months.

Will Jim Cramer sue the SEC for libel after it accuses thestreet.com of being inept?
Who is Jim Cramer?

Of course most of the media are as shit is shit [Editor:uh?]. Trying to find a US lawyer that is not conflicted to sue Goldman is near impossible - most IBs hire most of the top lawyers so they cannot be sued by them. And of course most of the US courts are chocker blocked with madoff and other credit crunch cases, so it maybe years before we find out any outcome unless of course Obama bumps them up the line for political purposes. Which he will. And what about finding unbias jurors? For Goldman, that will be near impossible.

More importantly Ben Bernanke won't be allowed to be Goldman's next CEO.

Goldman Sachs needs to change its name. Something like Cuddly Kittens or the God Deserves Better Bank. That should make their problems go away.

Backdoor pass:
So can someone tell me what Goldman are doing with a fantasy world cup league? If you have a password, you can see it at gs360.com. Otherwise you can just see a logon screen to a backdoor entrance to the bank everyone hates.

Where are the airplanes? © fintag

Todays shorts:
Very dull news about someone joining a private equity ship (emii)
Fcuk Business. Socialism rools ok. (telegraph)
Americans prefer benefits to work (bloomberg)
Hedgies shun fees and turn into non profit organisations (hedge funds review)

Todays longs:
Even duller news about a VP who ...yawn (icfa)
Six Pack Man Says No To Flying (bbc)
Hedgies Eat Bread (bloomberg)
Greeks give middle finger to Germany and suck up to the USA (cityam)
Greeks enjoy the fruits of corruption (finfacts)
Greeks told off by Soros (nytimes)
Germany told off by Soros (nytimes)

News comments:
Yesterday I said goodbye to a quant. No longer was she prepared to make rich people richer and wanted to tell her kids she made the world a better place.

I pointed out that with rising taxes, these rich people were giving away more to the tax man who was enriching all our lives with aid for africa (or is that aid for corrupt dictators?), new airports to help speed up climate change and hospitals to make fat people better.

An hour later she told me she was staying. Hopefully my argument was persuasive but I think it was more to do with a lack of quant jobs in the market.

Of course this is my own news and it is dull and irrelevant. The big news like the Icelandic volcanic (with the unpronounceable name) revenge is more important. Having stopped planes flying they have helped slow down climate change. Well done to the Icelanders.

And well done to the media for turning a dull sixth form debating forum into a top rate X-Factor TV spectacle as an old Westminster lad outdid an old Etonian who thrashed a knackered Presbyterian tax and spend merchant. [Editor: Phew! No mention of Scottish].

Thankfully no mates Terry Smith handed the taxman £2.5m of his bonus and Virgin Active has more poseurs than a Selfridge's changing room. Climate change maybe an issue, broken Britain a reality and Fitness First the worst gym in London but at least the sky is free of airplanes.

Gossip:
Typical. On me old blog I predicted Goldman Sachs would be sued by the SEC. The prediction sat there for 18 months and now its come true. I am never wrong ...

Beer bag © fintag

Today's shorts:
A flat tax here, a CGT there, a working prisoner (cityam)
Obama says some words (independent)
China up 12% (bbc)
Palm trees grow after hedgie takes a nibble (nytimes)


Today's longs:
Oz Hedgie rides the interest rate wave (hedgeweek)
Bailed out bankers make huge profits (reuters)
100% GDP debt - you heard about it here first (finfacts)
DB caught in rude words scandal (hitc)
The next credit crash will be even bigger (financialarmegeddon)

News comments:
Remember when both debt and tax were bad? Remember when surplus and no tax were what we all strived for? It seems like a long time ago if ever at all we wanted to be solvent. As wikipedia is rewritten and the history books burned, I realize the error of my ways. I am happier now; happy to help my government pay its debt after bailing out those needy bankers and spending on all that regulation and red tape that make life so much fun.

I am so grateful interest rates are low and public sector spending is kept at above inflation levels. But I want more. I want more quantitative easing, more bad debts hidden, more state intervention and the loss of liberty and freedom.

Why wasn't my careers teacher more forceful? Why did she fail to push me into the civil service? It it the greatest regret I have. I crave for 9 to 5, lots of sickies and a fat pension. Life as an agent of the state is so much more fulfilling than being a nasty entrepreneur who creates value, tax revenue and jobs. The private sector is full of greedy depraved people who should be in jail for crimes against fairness.

You see I have been an unfair person. I need to be fairer. I need to give more of my money to civil servants who are better at spending than me. Whereas I spend my money on loose women and expensive foreign cars, the civil servants spend it on penalising prostitutes and those who drive expensive foreign cars.

Like a flagellating pope I need to punish myself. Question is how do I do that?

When will the election be over? © fintag

Today's shorts:
Greece is the new Argentina (telegraph)
Nice posters, no substance, bored electorate (cityam)
Madoff lovn Pictet turn towards regulation abuse (hedge funds review)
Old people bolt after horse has (fnalternatives)
Galleon and Goldman bed fellows (new york times)

Today's longs:
PIGGS bail each other out (reuters)
China kicks the USA again (bloomberg)
Sciens jumps on the band wagon (icfa)
Interest Rate Rising Countries (this is money)


News comments:
With Argentina stealing assets from pension funds to service their debt, when bond markets and tax payers so no there isn't much choice. Asset taxes will soon become the norm and ownership will be as taboo as having silicon pec implants.

The question is how long will it be before the population say no and start shooting the politicians? My larder is full of beans and candles and that dusty ol' anarchists handbook is being re-read.

Gossip:
None today.

Monaco hotel © fintag

Today's longs:
BlueCrest moves corporate headquarters to Guernsey (global pensions)

So the traders are in Switzerland, the HQ in the Channel Islands and some low paid jubs stay in London? The FSA badge is not worth much these days.

Petters fails to out-do Madoff (msnbc)

Big Mike is saved. Is it because he is black?(american idol)

EU lies to the USA about its AIFM (ft)

Today's shorts:
Back office says UK is truly fcuked (tpa)
The Greeks show that Greece is Greeced (bloomberg)
Brown Bans Bankers (cityam)

So Gordon Brown is turning the Labour Party into the Communist party. Maybe he is Greek after all?

Goldman struggles to pay its people properly (nyt)
Ready for the next credit inspired crash? (fa)
UK to ban all petrol cars (independent)

News comments:
Why are hedge fund managers over regulated in the UK? They have to put up capital and get visits by people who cannot speak English and put the fear of god into them? Tax is a good reason to leave the UK but I think regulation is the second reason.

I am now living in Monoco. I have the floor below Philip Green in that famous hotel he and his family live in. Using cloud technology I can trade anywhere and given all my investors are non UK based, it makes sense. I have my factory in London where the people are highly educated and live is like it used to be 10 years ago.

Gossip:
Fintag to be extradited later this year.

Also google will soon stop saying fintag.com is harmful for your computer.

UK Debt 2012 © fintag

Today's Longs:
Greece says yes (telegraph)
China laughs off revaluation joke (bbc)
Volatile MAN is volatile (guardian)
Goldman Sachs + LGI (bobsguide)

Today's Shorts:
Horse bolts as SEC wakes up (efinancialnews)
99% of new jobs created for the Polish (cityam)
Speedy traders told to cut the habit (bloomberg)
Citi hires only white men between 25 and 35 (hitc/telegraph)


News Comments:
So as you can see from the graphic, I too have had access to Dr Who's time machine. When interest rates are low, the tax on savings falls. But enough of that nonsense.

Gossip:
Ernst & Young to do an Andersens in May 2010.

Short Legs © fintag

Today's Shorts:
CALxxx wanting to be locked in (global pensions)
Irish House Prices (finfacts)
Hope and Fear (telegraph)

Today's Longs:
Lenny Henry and Dawn French (times - while its still free)
Lionel Messi's short legs (Maradona are you blind?) (bbc)
AIFM (ft)
David, George and Jamie (hitc)
Scrapping of the Cider Tax (bbc)

News comments:
We are lovin Greek bonds, Irish property companies and Tiger Woods' posters. We are struggling to work out what inside information actually is (if I dream it should I hand myself into the local police station?)

I bet you know some arrogant people. I do. Most of them used to work for Lehman. Whereas Goldman was doing God's work [Editor: small g perhaps?] Lehman believed they were God.

I am pleased to report that many of these ex Lehman traders who have started hedge funds have been unsuccessful. You see investors don't like punting anymore - no track record, arrogance and a lack of respect for your fellow human beings doesn't count for much in the 2010's.

Gossip:
Marshall Wace to be investigated by the FSA

Donkey leads the Lions © fintag

Just as I thought the UK general election campaigning had started 6 months ago, we are told it starts today.

HM the Queen, in her ever diminishing role has allowed 11 previous Prime Ministers to call an election and the current unelected PM is being granted permission to do so. While she lives forever, the political landscape changes. In the old days political electioneering was not allowed until an election was called but given the Labour party's disregard for protocol and spending my taxes on slander and poster campaigns, times have changed. Time for a change then.

Upshot? 6 weeks of volatility. Hung parliament? Previously unheard of gossip? Tony Blair investigated for tax avoidance? Blair Castle to host a facebook party? Cherie Blair sets fire to her nightie? Strikes galore? The 24% of income tax that is paid by the 1% who pay tax at 50p all decide to defer their income for a couple of years? Katie Price hands back her silicon to improve her tv ratings (beating up OAPs doesn't seem sufficient)?

The blonde with the Marni coat and black shiny patent leathershoes, LV handbag and platinum wedding ring is clutching her blackberry tightly. Today she and her partner are donating another 10p of tax. I of course have deferred my dividends and partnership profits until after the election.

You see earning income is so last year. Today its cash only, foreign registration plates and hugging strangers on the underground.

Thankfully the blonde (which is not really her color) has laughed and told me she is an undercover underground cop and promptly tried to swipe my oyster card which I don't have (cash only) but its neither here or there.

Seat A1 © fintag

So what have you been doing whilst I turned myself into Mr Universe?

Hopefully you have been shorting GBP and stuffing your funds into UCITS wrappers and given the regulators the ol middle finger?

You will be voting for a hung parliament (we all need some volatility) and have moved your assets offshore just in case you have to leave.

I used to love daily liquidity but my newsletter will be infrequent but frequent enough for you to know that I am back.

Finbar.

p.s. Sorry about fintag.com but it was beaten up by some malware hackers and is in hospital. But not to worry because this will soon become the new fintag.com ...